Sunday, April 30, 2006

One day after I posted my last entry, I began to regret it. The regret turned to mortification, which led me to this dilemma:

To delete the entry, or to leave it be.

Some people use their blogs as a diary. They expose details of their private lives in the most public way possible. This is a type of exhibitionism.

Others use their blogs as a purely creative medium. It is a fairly non-judgmental forum in which to experiment with ideas and writing techniques.

Without doing so consciously, I think I’ve tried to achieve something in between these extremes. I enjoy writing, and I’m a fairly easy subject. But I’m not comfortable with exposing too much of myself.

It is true that my last entry contained no specifics-- one friend asked me if it was about job frustrations, another asked me if I was having "man trouble."

So I guess my embarrassment doesn’t stem from having confessed my darkest secrets. But I think my unease has to do with the fact that it shows a lack of emotional discipline and takes on a self-helpish tone that doesn’t suit me well.

But this is all beside the point. The interesting question is whether to delete.

After watching The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I thought about whether there were any memories that I would like to delete from my brain. My conclusion was no. The bad things that have happened to me have shaped me into who I am today. I need to remember these things as they are essential contextual references upon which I base my current decisions and personal identity.

I recognize, of course, that I’ve led a fairly privileged life to be able to have this rather academic attitude towards the idea.

But leaving that aside, my question is what then of blog entries?

Would deleting one be the equivalent of a digital lobotomy? And if so, is that a bad thing?

I think it would be.

For me, blogging is a bit risky. I always feel nervous for a few minutes after I have hit the "publish" button on blogger. Though I’m not discussing my latest bedroom adventures, I am exposing parts of myself for public judgment. That is something I have never done willingly or well.

Therefore, perhaps as penance, I’m leaving up my last post. I also realize that the unfortunate consequence of this post will be to draw further attention to my last post.

So there it is in bold type: I am vulnerable, irrational, emotional, and prone to bouts of extreme irritation.

Just don’t be expecting to see much more of that any time soon.


Blogger Andrew said...

Go to my blog to for a reaction to this entry. Much of the terror of exposing oneself is really a symptom of being uncomfortable with one's own identity. When I look back over my life, I see increasing comfort in recognizing and expressing certain aspects of myself as incredibly positive personal growth, even or especially if the attribute/opinion in question isn't admirable.

2:50 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home