Self-Critique


This entry will not have a resolution.

I will not tie up loose ends, or weave some fabric of meaning from the frayed bits.

I will fight against my tendency to cram each and every experience into the thesis-antithesis-synthesis framework. I will not turn this blog into a Chicken Soup for the Soul-esque space where every story ends on a hopeful and moralistic upturn.

Because we don’t always get the weekly gym pass. And sometimes we go through life not realizing why it is that our bras don’t quite fit.

But fighting this tendency won’t be easy.

I’m a resolution addict and I hate ambiguity.

In my mock cross-examinations, I always asked that one final question too many. That extra question that was supposed to nail the witness down, ended up alerting her to my theory and allowed her to wiggle away.

I’m compelled to finish the sentences that people leave hanging.

I ask people to lay all their cards on the table before they even realize they have a deck in their lap.

On the other hand, maybe I’m unhealthily fighting against an innately human tendency. Doesn’t this desire for meaning, resolution, and clarity define our existence and explain why so many turn to religion and spirituality?

Shit! Did you see what I just did? Just there. Just above. I wrote that turning-point phrase. Under normal circumstances this is the paradigmatic shift that happens somewhere in the middle of my essay that allows all pieces to fall into place and tumble down the logical gradient into some point of clarity.

I decide to try on a double A bra. I break through the robotic exterior of the gym introductress.

The paradigm shift occurs, so said Thomas Kuhn (albeit in the context of science), when the bits and pieces of observed information no longer fit into one’s current model. In order to achieve cohesion and resolution, there is a paradigm change - a new model is created that can reconcile the dissonant observations.

Before all this paradigm shift stuff, there was plain old-fashioned rationalization. Things don’t make sense? No closure? No problem, just rationalize. You’ll ultimately come up with some conclusion that allows you to go on without that unsettling uncertainty to ruin your day.

No. I will remain strong in my fight against closure.

Again, normally at this point I would write something about my new found realization about the importance of embracing ambiguity. I might relate an anecdote about my photography instructor’s perceptive comment about my obsession with contrast. Or maybe I would take the easy-but-true route of criticizing North American politics. You’re with us, or you’re with the terrorists.

But that again, would edge me closer to resolution. I won’t do it.

The only problem with writing this way, is that I’m not sure when I’m done.